Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Oregon Guard shoots for the moon on April 1; literally

Oregon officials said today that funds from the Obama Administration's stimulus check, expected within a week, will be used by the Oregon National Guard to launch a state-sponsored space program.

"We're getting tired of waiting around for NASA to put our soldiers and airmen on the moon," said one Oregon Guard official who requested anonymity. "Inspired by the Oregon spirit of 'going west', we're now 'going up!'"

Indeed, Oregonians have always been known for their ‘maverick’ ideas. Exactly one year ago, on April 1, 2008, the Oregon National Guard tried its hand at raising alpacas on abandoned BLM land in Eastern Oregon. Their plan was to use the alpaca wool to make uniforms for their soldiers and airmen, thereby saving the federal government some money.

“That didn’t go over so well,” said the official, who implored this reporter to keep his name secret. “The alpaca wool uniforms made us look like a bunch of Sasquatch running around in the woods.”

The plan, according to officials, is to establish the first-ever armory on the moon. Experience gained by soldiers in austere environments will prove valuable in the bleak lunar surface, say scientists from the University of Oregon’s Astrology Department.

“Sure, this is great and all, but what I don’t get is why they have to go all the way to the moon to work in these stark environments that mimic the lunar surface.” said Dr. Bo Guss of the UofO research laboratory in Eugene, Ore. “Why don’t they just go train in Nebraska or something?”

In any case, Oregon Guardsmen have quite a task ahead of them. While soldiers spend months training with hundreds of pounds of gear, nothing quite prepares them for zero-gravity operations.

“I’m curious how we’re going to tackle eating MREs”, said one soldier, who also requested anonymity. “Don’t astronauts have all their food and Tang in those squeeze packets?”

Nutritious breakfast drinks aside, the Oregon National Guard is committed to staking a claim on our nearest celestial neighbor, say officials.

“Wouldn’t it be cool to plant an Oregon flag right next to the United States flag already on the moon?” questions one commander.

Cool indeed.


Happy April Fool's Day to all of Oregon's citizen-soldiers, citizen-airmen, their families and supporters, throughout the state, country and the world.

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